Written by Leanne Josh Dinglasan

When I was a kid, I remember pretending to be asleep during siesta time and insisting to stay up late at night. I would imagine that the iced tea I am drinking is beer. I would stay outside playing until it is already dark. I would spend time working on my coloring book. When the adults would ask me what I want to be when I grow up, I would say doctor, chef, pilot, or celebrity. From time to time, I would wonder what it’s like to be an adult.

Now that my teenage years are almost over, it would cross my mind that I just want to be a kid again. I am now just reliving childhood memories through the dread of adulthood. I would wish that I still have all the siesta hours I had in my younger days because a good night’s sleep is quite elusive lately. If before I would stay out for long, now, I would rather stay and rest, but if I really have to go, I would hurry to get back home. The coloring book I used to carry around now became a daily planner. If I would be asked again what I want to be in the years to come, honestly, I am not quite sure. Don’t get me wrong. I still want to be a lot of things. I just feel like I am already running out of time even though I am still relatively young. Maybe it is the pressure of “being this, achieving that” at a certain age that is kicking in.

As a child, I would have huge fears of the monster under the bed, the shadows in the corner of the room, the reflection on the mirror, the walk across an empty hallway, and the third hour after midnight. I would turn to the adults to seek a sense of comfort and protection. They would tell me that those things are not true. Funny because now that I am on my journey to adulthood, I am more terrified of reality and its uncertainty. I found those childhood horror stories apt metaphors for my adult fears.

The monster under the bed, the one that would hold you by your ankles and pull you under, to me, is the fear of getting older without moving forward or being wise enough. It is the fear of getting left behind – that no matter how much you struggle to get far, you feel like your goals are still far from reach. The shadows in the corner of the room are like our and other’s expectations of ourselves. It has always been there. It lurks until the disappointment that comes with it finds the time to creep into you. The fear of mirrors might be the fear of your own reflection – that who you see is unfamiliar. You might not even recognize who you have been because the world was cruel enough to toughen you up or you have spent so much time trying to change yourself to fit in. The fear of walking alone in a dark hallway, to me, is like the fear of not knowing what to do and where to go without having anyone to turn to. We fear that we don’t know our place in this world. We are clueless and worried about taking the wrong path and making a mess of our lives. Finally, the fear of waking at 3 am is not because of some sort of ghosts, but it is the stress and worry that keep you up.

Think of me as fainthearted, but I would not deny that I am scared. I am scared that I may not be strong enough to face what life throws at me. I fear the burden of responsibilities and tough decisions. I am frightened of growing old, but not being able to live a meaningful life. Life can be mortifying and overwhelming at times, but it will never slow down for us. Time flies so fast. Next thing we know we graduated from college and went on with our lives. We are getting old each passing day; it is inevitable. Being an adult comes with a lot of challenges. Life takes us by surprise. The unexpected happens and there’s no way to actually prepare. I know it’s terrifying to think of it, yet this is the way life goes. Each one of us is dealt with a different hand, but it doesn’t mean that there’s nothing we can do to rise above it. We cannot let life’s uncertainties hold us back forever.

I guess adulthood is not all bad. We’d have more freedom as we grow older. We can let loose sometimes and hopefully establish stable and meaningful relationships along the way. We’d develop a deeper appreciation for everything because we get a taste of how hard it is to earn something by ourselves. We’d leave behind petty fights and spend our time and energy on something more worthy instead. We’d be less concerned about what others think of us because we begin to realize how seldom they actually do. May we not forget that we were once children and then try to reignite the passion and vigor that we may have lost along the way. There is more to adulthood than being a chore.