Written by Dey Bautista

Hey there. I won’t bother with the small talk anymore. We’ve had enough of beating around the bush to last this life and all the others we have yet to live. I also think that you have known for a while now that this is coming. So, here it is, I hope you’re ready –

I really wish we could do better.

Before I say anything else, I want to clarify that I am not putting all the blame on you. In fact, I would like to apologize. For the first 16 years of my life, I have not prioritized you. I have always thought, in the back of my mind, that I should be focusing on you just as much as I was focusing on my physical health. But still, I really didn’t take your needs into consideration until you were at your absolute worst. For that, I am truly sorry.

I have been trying to make up for that neglect for the last few years. Have you noticed? Should I try harder? My friends tell me that I shouldn’t be too hard on myself either; that all the changes that happened recently in my life are bound to bring me stress and at least a little sadness. That’s why I’ve been thinking about you and your needs a lot. I’ve tried to exercise, because everybody says that it’s really good for you. I know I’ve been failing at exercising for the past six months, but don’t worry, I’m trying to get back at it. I really will, soon. I’ve also been focusing on myself a lot lately. When homework stresses me out, I grab the nearest sweet snack I could find. When I can’t bring myself to join my friends on a night out, I take a nap. That’s how focusing on myself works, right? I’ve talked to them about this, because you know I can’t stand being dishonest, and they’re encouraging me to find other ways to focus on myself. I’m going to, soon. I’ve done a lot of other things for you, including talking to a stranger about your problems, adult coloring books, and gardening (if owning a potted plant counts). Those things never seem to be enough, though. That’s why I wish we could do better, because I don’t think I can stand sharpening yet another colored pencil.

Hold on – is that why you aren’t significantly improving? Is it from the pressure to improve so much in such a short period of time? Well, if it is, I really wish you had told me sooner. I personally would stop putting a lot pressure on you, but I can’t guarantee that other people would do that too. Unfortunately, there are still some who believe that your problems aren’t “real.” I know, it is puzzling. If you really did just make them up, then we wouldn’t be going through such a challenging time. It really is almost impossible to make it through certain times with you. I don’t mean to say hurtful things, but since I am being honest, sometimes I wish you weren’t so… demanding. I get tired, too. What if I can’t give you what you need? What if I can’t solve your problems? What if…?

…Never mind that. I know I can help you. I just need you to be more exact about how I can do that, because if you are, you would be helping me, too.

That’s it for now. I’ll check back on you again, very soon. In the meantime, try to appreciate the little gifts I leave for you every now and then, like when I go out with my family, or when I study for a test without procrastinating. I do those things for you just as much as I do them for me.

Hang in there. Goodbye and good luck.